Ronaldo the slave

A slave, recently

Cristiano Ronaldo is about to star in a remake of Roots. What? Sorry? He's not? Oh, right. We mis-read that.

The multi-millionaire footballer doesn't want to play a slave. He thinks he is one.

Which suggests one of two possible explanations. Either his grasp of English isn't that great... or he really is a quite colossal knob.

FIFA President Sepp Blatter announced that Ronaldo should be allowed to tear up his four year deal and leave Manchester United for Real Madrid. Making him stay, Blatter argued, was like slavery.

'I agree 100 per cent,' announced Ronaldo. 'He is right.'

For the record, the average slave had a life expectancy of 22 years from birth, or around three years from the point they were taken into slavery.

In the same 36-month period, Ronaldo would earn £18m in wages, and in excess of £20m in sponsorship.

Slaves were beaten, badly fed and kept in appaling conditions. Ronaldo lives in a £4m mansion and has recently ordered a Bugatti Veyron costing £835,000.

Birmingham City's MD, Karren Brady summed it up best, we reckon. 'Slaves? That’s not a word I’d use. I think I’d use mercenaries.

'We are talking of players earning six figures a week who want to ignore their contracts.'

Dear TV execs. Here's an idea for you. A 10-week reality show starring Ronaldo, working on a sugar plantation.

And instead of evictions, every week the audience votes in another overpaid whining footballer.

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